This weekend I spent three days in Bristol at the hen party of one of my best friends. Nine of us hired a cottage just outside the city, partied and went for an unfortunately sodden afternoon at West Country Games where we basically spent two hours hitting each other with inflatables, falling over and trying not to throw up (unsuccessfully in some cases).
Spending the last few days with my besties has been so much fun – not to mention rather eventful. And since they said I could write about the hen party, I didn’t want to pass on the opportunity to share what I’ve learned from this weekend.
- If you book it, your friends will come. And if they don’t, they’d better have a bloody good excuse or you will talk about them all weekend and probably for the rest of your life.
- You can never, ever have too many bottles of Prosecco.
- Always beware a Yale lock or you may end up locked out of the house staring at the door keys through the window and cursing your ineptitude.
- Country themed outdoor activities are not the best idea in the pissing down rain with a hangover. Be prepared to end up watching your friend be sick into a carrier bag in the car park.
- Vicky Pollard style sumo suits are surprisingly heavy. If you do a face plant whilst wearing one, your friends will be forced to bodily lift you off the ground and stand you up again.
- If you are strangely good at skittles after being forced to spin round three times before throwing the ball, deny it was a fluke.
- When flipping a tractor tyre in some aggressively competitive race, do not kick it or you will end up with a dent in your shin and be forced to hop around wailing “Fuuuck” whilst your team loses by a whisker.
- It is never acceptable to forget the apostrophe, even on a party banner.
- If you use the word crotch more than once in conversation people will remember and point it out to you as though you are somehow obsessed.
- Party games are fun. However, giving the bride-to-be a list of random facts about the guests and expecting her to identify who did what, then sneaking in ‘I am pregnant’ as a joke may end up with her crying drunkenly and shouting “I can’t believe this is how you tell me!”
- Beware suspicious gypsy cabs that take you on random jaunts through the countryside at 2.30am and then charge you double the going rate when they get lost.
- Someone is probably going to get too drunk and be sick. If it has to be you, at least try and take the bride down with you so the focus is on her hangover and not yours.
- Take tons of photos; at least if you’re behind the camera you’re not as likely to be in the embarrassing ones.
- Real friends will hold your hair back whilst you’re sick and put you to bed when you get too drunk. They will also spend the rest of your life reminding you of all the stupid things you said that you can’t remember during this alcoholic haze.
- Garden steps are never a good idea in the pitch black whilst wearing high heels.
- Always check the spelling on your Facebook statuses before you hit post.
- It is really hard to tie a knot in the end of a balloon.
- Pervy waiters love to flirt with girls on hen dos.
- Yours is unlikely to be the most raucous or extravagantly dressed hen party you will encounter. If you might be secretly jealous, wear that stupid costume you told everyone not to get you. You won’t even have to pretend to like it.
- Girls will happily share the bathroom, especially when drinking.
- Don’t try to ring your other half after a night out if he is on the corresponding stag do in Berlin. You may end up trapped in a cycle of poor connections and missed calls as you shout “Hello…HELLO…” down the phone at each other whilst your friends try to sleep next to you.
- When spending the weekend with a group of girls you have only just met, alcohol is a great leveller. Unfortunately there will always be at least one who takes it too far.
- When sharing a room with the extremely hung-over bride, the bridesmaids can get away with staying in bed all morning after a heavy night whilst the guests make breakfast and tidy up.
- Bad things happen when you drink on an empty stomach.
- Sharing a cottage for the weekend is like being at a really big house party. Unfortunately, you still have to tidy up. This may include carrying left over alcohol and food 275 miles home in the back of the car along with seven pairs of shoes and an air bed.
- There is a reason girls don’t do speeches at the wedding. The guests don’t need to know about our drunken shenanigans. What happens in Bristol, stays in Bristol. Unless it’s on a blog.
Seriously though, I’ve had an amazing weekend with some of the people I love best in the world. Let’s do it again soon girls, okay?