As an introvert, I’ve spent a lot of time over the years justifying myself and my communication skills to people who believe that being ‘quiet’ is a failing. I’ve come to hate the word as a description of personality, because it implies a lot but actually reveals very little.
There are many kinds of quiet people, but being quiet doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is shy or struggles to communicate effectively. Unfortunately, the words ‘quiet’ and ‘shy’ still have a close relationship in many people’s eyes.
Being quiet doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Consider the following reasons why someone might be quiet, other than shyness.
I’m listening
Many quiet people are very good listeners and prefer to focus on the person who is speaking, rather than trying to join in the conversation by talking over them or forcing their opinions on others.
I’m showing consideration
Not everyone will naturally shove themselves forward to reach the front of the queue before anyone else. The same applies to conversation. Someone may be quiet because they are polite and want to make sure you have finished speaking before they take their turn.
I’m contemplating
They say still waters run deep. Well just because someone doesn’t give a detailed verbal response doesn’t mean they aren’t giving your idea or comment a lot of thought before they answer. They might even prefer to go away and think about something in-depth so they can give the best reply.
I’m softly spoken
Just because someone has a soft voice doesn’t mean they aren’t eager to chat or be noticed.
I’m preparing
If you’re not prepared for a meeting or a particular chat, you could end up saying the wrong thing, perhaps even something you’ll regret. But we don’t always have the opportunity to prepare fully, we might only have chance to run through ideas in our head while someone else is speaking.
I’m showing restraint
There are some people are happy to say anything that comes into their head, regardless of how it may affect those around them. Others prefer to filter. They might listen to you ramble on about your relationship troubles for hours, but they know you’ll be upset by an honest opinion so they choose to hold back.
I’m stoic
Some people are just naturally reticent and don’t feel the need to talk for the sake of filling the silence. This might make them the epitome of cool, or it might make them a total dick who thinks they are above other people.
I’m a perfectionist
No one wants to look like a fool. That might mean staying silent until you have something to say that you really believe in or feel passionate about, so that people will remember you for your profound contribution to the conversation rather than the flippant remark about last night’s episode of Big Brother.
I’m exploring my imagination
Many creative people have vivid imaginations; they can create whole stories, concepts or worlds inside their head. Their silence isn’t a sign of ignorance or disinterest; they’re simply engaged in their own thoughts and may have turned inward and blocked out what is going on around them.
I’m tired
You might be the most verbose person in the world, but if you’ve had a long day and you’re tired, it can take a lot of effort to summon up the will to talk. Good conversation requires mental stimulation.
Of course, this list deals in generalisations, although the whole point of the post is to avoid them. The point I’m trying to make is that people can be quiet for a multitude of reasons, whether they struggle in social situations or they’re a natural communicator.
Just don’t judge a person harshly because they didn’t speak as much as you would like. We’re all different and inclined to thrive in different ways.
samantha mccann says
Aw what a lovely and insightful blogpost coming from someone who is also quiet. Its refreshing to read someone else s experiences and gain some insight to my own. thank you xxx
Amy Lord says
Thanks Samantha, glad you can relate!
Jessica Brown says
Great blog post Amy, and so true! I’m an introvert, but I wouldn’t say I’m shy. I’m often quiet because I’m in my own little world, or I don’t feel it’s necessary to say anything!
I wrote a blog post recently about introverts if you’re interested 🙂 http://cantshutitup.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/a-guide-to-introverts.html
Amy Lord says
Love your post Jessica, I can totally relate to that! Especially the part about living through books/films. It’s always good to know so many other people need alone time to recharge, it doesn’t mean you’re antisocial
Sara Strauss says
This is really great! It’s very true that being quiet doesn’t always mean your shy! I am however a shy person, but I know from meeting other quiet people that some of them are very out-spoken when they have something to say.
~Sara
Amy Lord says
Very true Sara, everyone is different, but I think some people don’t understand that. The reverse is true too though – not all chatty people are confident!
Carnie says
Great post!
As an introvert I agree completely. I was always a shy child. But as I’ve gotten older I’ve realised that I’m not actually as shy as I thought. I’ve just taken it on as that’s what people have assumed. I prefer to listen to conversations and figure out what kind of person I’m talking to, rather than jumping right in.
Also, I do spend a lot of time inside my own head. As I also have the curse of the bitchy resting face that you mentioned before, I can look uncomfortable or disinterested when in fact I’m just daydreaming or thinking.
Amy Lord says
We sound quite similar, Carnie! I always thought I was pretty shy as a kid, but I’ve become better at social stuff as I’ve gotten older. It will never come naturally, but I think I fake it pretty well now 😉
Carnie says
As I was reading your post I thought “that sounds like me” Yeh it has got easier as I’ve gotten older. I have to remind myself to look people in the eye and take step forward.
Amy Lord says
I still find it scary to approach people, but once I get chatting I can do pretty well. I’m braver about accepting the challenge now!
Sulthan says
So true . I recommend this to all my haters
Rea says
I’m tired
Jiteshghanchi says
it’s for me!
Deidra says
I can so relate to this blog post. I had someone refer to me as reserved and it annoyed me to no end. I was exercising restraint at certain parts of the conversation to avoid being judgmental. But when I was called reserved it may be feel put on the spot, defensive, not normal and isolated. This blog communicates exactly how I feel. When I told others how I felt, I suppose that maybe I was not using the right words to describe how I felt and was told that I’m being too sensitive and that the person was not being malicious. I know that they were not being malicious but I could not help but to feel judged. I am so glad I found this post it makes me feel comfortable in my own skin.
Amy Lord says
Thanks Deidra, glad you enjoyed the post! I know how you feel, it’s frustrating when people misunderstand you, or read too much into your behaviour. I think some people find it hard to understand why others are quiet, if they aren’t that way themselves, and they can be quick to judge. You shouldn’t have to feel bad for being you.
Suze says
Some general advice for introverts: don’t be afraid to be ‘judgmental’. An important reason why people communicate with you is because they value your opinion on something, so be proud!
David Trace says
Having just come off of a challenging holiday gathering (not due to unpleasantness but just a large number of people), I can certainly relate to this post. I can be very quiet at times but, when I get with my posse, I can talk up a storm. There was actually a point in this gathering that the conversation turned to something about which know a great deal and I chimed right into the mix. The other thing we introverts tend to get is not shy but conceited. We may well be but not always. Thanks for the post. The Internet is so awesome for innies!
Amy Lord says
Thanks David, I agree! Yes, I think conceited is another misconception about quiet people, especially if you’re serious or not prone to smiling all the time. Your trip sounds like fun, now it’s time to chill out again with some quiet time I bet!