The subject of introvert vs. extrovert seems to be popular at the moment; I’ve even written about it myself a few times.
But I find the subject fascinating. I have a lot of introverted personality traits and enjoy spending time on my own, reading and writing, lost in my own thoughts.
One of the most interesting things I’ve read about introverts and extroverts is the idea that it’s not so much about personality; it’s about where we harness our energy.
An introvert needs plenty of quiet time and finds busy social situations exhausting. In contrast, an extrovert gets a buzz from talking to new people and interacting. This post gives a brief overview of the theory behind this idea.
Sadly, introversion is still considered to be a negative thing in many circles, where an outgoing and vivacious personality is the ideal.
Some people have all kinds of unfortunate ideas of what it means to be an introvert.
Introverts are shy
It’s easy to assume that quiet means shy, but that isn’t necessarily the case. Talking to new people can be challenging for an introvert, because it forces you outside your comfort zone, meaning you use a lot of energy.
When you’re networking, it helps if you’re good at small talk. This doesn’t come naturally to everyone; some people don’t like to chatter unless they have something they want to say. And if you have two people together who find small talk a challenge, then there are bound to be some awkward silences.
I’ve never been very good at approaching people, but over the last couple of years I’ve become much better at carrying a conversation, just by practicing and being brave.
TIP: If you’re going to an event or a party where you don’t know many people, have a few questions prepared that you can ask if there’s a lull in conversation. That way you can get somebody else chatting about themselves while you listen.
Introverts are poor communicators
An identifier for introversion is the preference to communicate in writing, rather than verbally, which can be a problem in the workplace. In fact, it’s one I’ve experienced personally. Some people assume that because you choose not to speak up every time, you lack the ability to do so. Not true.
I don’t like talking on the phone and prefer to use email to contact people wherever possible. I’ll use the phone if I need to, but I find I express myself better in writing because I have the option to play around with the words until they’re just right. It’s much harder to get it spot on first time during a conversation or a presentation.
TIP: If you’re not very good on the phone, follow up your work conversations with an email so you can make sure you include anything you forgot to say or weren’t clear about initially.
Introverts are anti-social or socially inept
If a person finds it difficult to interact naturally with others, it can create a stigma among those that don’t know them very well.
It’s usually seen as a bad thing to be a ‘loner’; if you’re an introvert, others might assume that you just don’t like people or enjoy socialising.
TIP: If you find it difficult to cope with groups of new people, try and focus on one-to-one conversations. There is bound to be someone else who would be relieved to have a quiet talk away from the crowd.
Introverts are aloof or rude
Quiet people often have a rich internal life. They may not appear outwardly friendly if you catch them in the moment, walking down the street or typing away at their computer. But that doesn’t mean they’re ignorant or they don’t want to talk to you, it just takes them a minute to change their thought process and switch to conversation mode.
Or they might be self-conscious or uncertain. Haven’t you ever had the moment in the street or the supermarket where you see someone you knew at school or a vague acquaintance and you’re not sure whether to say hello? Will they remember you, will they say hello first? You overthink it and fluff your lines. They think you snubbed them. It’s not just me, right?!
TIP: Practice smiling and saying hello to people in the corridor at work or school. Most people will smile back and it will become more natural.
Introverts are bad at management and public speaking
This one ties into the idea that introverts have poor communication skills. A softly spoken person might be seen as lacking authority or the ability to deal with confrontation, which would affect their approach to management. Crippling shyness might also make it difficult to give confident presentations.
TIP: Take any opportunity to showcase your communication skills, so people have the chance to see you shine.
Introverts need to change their personalities
This is something that, quite frankly, has always pissed me off. I’ve encountered a few people who have tried to push me to change my personality and be more outgoing, when that simply isn’t who I am.
Would the world be a better place if everyone was loud, chatty and outgoing?
Probably not.
So why should everyone aspire to the same personality traits. We all have our strengths, and we should be able to use them and build on them, rather than abandoning them to fit the mould of what someone else wants us to be.
TIP: Don’t force yourself to change. Play to your strengths, work on your weaknesses if you need to, but be true to who you are; you’ll be happier that way.
Introverts and extroverts: what assumptions do people make that annoy you? Share them in the comments!
Mike says
One assumption that I experience is based on the fact that we introverts can learn to overcome some of our challenges. I have learned to speak in front of groups and conceal my inherent discomfort (and my feedback is good). As a consequence some will assume that because I can do that I will enjoy all sorts of extrovert situations, like parties and lots of social interaction. It’s not true, and extroverts can be quite put out when I politely decline.
Amy Lord says
I’ve had a similar experience, Mike. I’m much better at networking and socialising with new people, but it’s so tiring, I couldn’t do it every day.
Sara Strauss says
This is great!! I feel like people think that there’s something wrong with you if you’re an introvert. I hate that people think I need to change my personality or work on being better with people or speaking in public. My personality is what it is and it’s not changing because someone random person thinks it should be different. I love the little tips! Very helpful!
~Sara
Amy Lord says
Thanks! It always annoyed me that some people would see me negatively because I was ‘quiet’; doesn’t make me any less capable than a chatty person. Plus some people who seem chatty and extrovert still have the same confidence issues about public speaking etc.
Chatlotte says
Introverts are aloof or rude paragraph is so correct! I couldn’t relate to it more than I do now.
My dad gets infuriated when I don’t answer him immediately after he asks me a question while I’m thinking or just browsing the internet. My mates always say that I’m cold, aloof and rude because it takes me time to answer them, and because I just don’t want to participate in their conversations.
You don’t know how glad you made me to know that there are other people like me, and that I am not alone. All I can say is thank you 🙂
Amy Lord says
No worries Charlotte, sorry to hear that people take you the wrong way sometimes, I know how frustrating that can be! Don’t feel bad though, everyone’s different and not everyone is loud or chatty. If you’re interested, check out Susan Cain and The Power of Introverts, she has some really interesting insights into being a quiet person.
Engela says
Another myth about introverts is that we are bitter – this is not true for most of us. I’ve only been resentful towards a handful of people and have forgiven them. I find it hard to prove that to extroverts. They really do believe that we are depressed, negative or even lonely. In reality we are mostly comforted, positive and love being left alone sometimes.